5 Takeaways from “His Needs, Her Needs”

“His Needs, Her Needs” by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr. is the best book on marriage ever written. I can say that without a doubt because I read it ten years ago, and it made my marriage that much better.

The book gives the top ten basic needs within a standard couple—five for women and five for men. Every person ranks these needs differently; therefore, you must determine your rankings.

Your spouse should also figure out what ranks the highest on their basic needs. Once you both determine your needs, you will work together to satisfy each other’s needs. Let’s look at the ten needs in standard rank order.

1) The top need for women is Affection and for men is Sexual Fulfillment. Affection is the environment of sex, love, and respect, while sex is the final act. If a couple can understand the difference, they can enjoy fulfilling sex and affection.

2) The second basic need for women is Intimate Conversation and for men is Recreational Companionship. Women love to talk and be heard, while men love their wives to join them in recreational events.

3) The third basic need for women is Honesty and Openness and for men is Physical Attractiveness. Women want their men to share the past, present, and future with them. Men love their wives to stay fit, attractive, and healthy.

4) The fourth basic need for women is Financial Support and Domestic Support for men. The nuclear family of the 1960s embodied these needs perfectly. The man provided, and the women cooked, cleaned, and tended the children. 

Today’s world may look different, but we all feel that the old way works. Women want the option to choose to work or stay home with the children. 

5) The final basic need for women is Family Commitment and for men is Admiration. Women love men who spend time with the kids. Men love it when a woman admires and supports them. 

Each person ranks their basic needs differently. Personally, I think Recreational Companionship is my top choice. Men and women can also pick the opposite needs; there are no gender roles for basic needs.

The book does a fantastic job of teaching us how to fulfill our partners’ basic needs. Yes, these are traits and habits we have to learn and build. Falling in love is easy; staying in love is much more difficult.

I read this book in 2013, which changed how I operated in my marriage. It gave me the tools to understand and fulfill my wife’s basic needs. I also learned how to articulate my needs as well.

This is a great book to reread every 5-10 years. I plan on sharing this book on my website and in my books constantly. Every person alive should read this book (married or single)—one of the best books ever written.

This link is to a physical product. The link above is to the digital book. Sorry. I get no credit for digital product links.

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