I’ve been married for 16 years; of those, I have been away for eight. It’s part of military life but part of everyday life for most people outside of America.
Being with your family is a gift most people do not truly appreciate. In most third-world countries, men can’t earn enough in their local setting.
They must travel to far-off lands to earn money and send it back to their family—for years. How can they do this, and in America, people cannot survive a three-day trip apart? The answer is vision.
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What is a long-distance relationship? Most people believe that a long-distance relationship is about surviving until they are together again. However, it is about growing and building while apart.
If you are not trying to improve yourself, your relationship, and your finances, your connection will suffer. Most people don’t try to improve these things together, let alone when apart.
I am not saying that long-distance relationships are easy; they are tough. I’m saying that when you both recombine, everything should be better in your lives.
My history of long-distance relationships. My wife and I married in 2006, and I immediately went to Okinawa, Japan, for two-years unaccompanied. I left her in San Diego, California.
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In 2012, our house in Arizona was upside down when I received orders to Beaufort, South Carolina. I went there for two years without my wife.
In 2020, we had just bought our third home (second in Florida) when I received orders back to Okinawa, Japan. It was difficult, but we decided the family would thrive better if she stayed in Florida.
I also have various deployments and events across a 23-year military career that has taken me away from my family. However, our marriage is thriving better than most people we know, even with all this time apart.
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Yes, we love each other. Most people think we don’t love each other because we can do so well apart. But, we see a higher purpose for our relationship.
We have had some extraordinary times during the years, but currently, we are focused on getting our finances to “over-provide” for our children and grandchildren. That’s our mission.
We will be able to retire no later than 48 for me and 45 for here, which is about seven years away. We will make up all of this lost time when we leave the workforce.
What is keeping your relationship together? Most friends will tell you long-distance relationships will fail. However, I will caveat that and say most relationships, in general, fail.
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Why are you two together? Is it just to feel good and ensure you are not alone at night? If you don’t have a higher purpose for your marriage or relationship, it will fail in-person or long-distance.
When we start our relationship young, we don’t have the answers. However, as we age together, we should form some sort of path toward happiness. Let’s call it an end state or rich life.
If you are just sitting around, watching Netflix, and waiting to collect social security checks, you may as well end the relationship now.
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Our goal is to live happily off our passive income in both Florida and overseas in Turkey. Traveling back and forth will require a lot of money, so we are building income streams today (for tomorrow).
Work hard while apart. The key to long-distance relationships is growing and building. You have to occupy your time with something that will improve your relationship.
From 2020-2022, I grinded alone in my room, building my business, learning to write, and designing book covers. In two years, we saved over $200,000 and created $1,000/month in dividend income.
Our work during this time away will carry us for the rest of our lives. When we reconnect, we can celebrate that time away as a rite of passage to a better life.
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In the article “Getting Married? 10 Financial Questions to Ask Your Partner,” I wrote some questions to ask for long-term planning purposes. There are some questions to ask before entering a long-distance relationship:
- Why are we entering into a long-term relationship?
- What are our intentions to better ourselves while apart?
- What are our financial goals to achieve while apart?
- What are our long-term goals for our relationship?
These simple and vague questions are better than starting long-distance relationships only because of a job or school—the distance must serve a higher purpose.
Some other tips for a long-distance relationship. Seek ways to carry a healthy conversation. Most people do not talk much with their spouses.
My wife and I would talk for hours on end. I was on a 14-hour time difference in Japan, and we found a way to make it work.
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Use technology to your advantage. I’ll be honest; if you can’t survive in a long-distance relationship, it wasn’t “meant to be.”
In 2006, all my wife and I had to communicate was Skype on our computers. I had to be home in my barracks room, and she had to be at her desk. In 2022, we can call, text, send voice memos, and follow each other’s social media.
Be careful with whom you hang out with during a long-distance relationship. Your friends do not have your best interest at heart. They want to party, hook up, and do drugs.
These are things you should avoid. Stay focused on your mission and that of your relationship. People do not like when others exercise discipline, self-control, and delayed gratification.
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Be prepared to argue about little things. It’s okay to argue about little things; just always makeup. The good part of being apart is that you can say sorry and still be mad as hell on your end.
Don’t always do audio or video calls when you are not in a good mood. There is no magical force making you call every single day. Sometimes, you have to detach and talk by text—that way, your attitude doesn’t carry over into the conversation.
Conclusion. I have a few more years, and I will never leave my wife again. We earned the right to be near each other for the rest of our lives.
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Being side-by-side is a luxury. Many people think proximity is mandatory and will sacrifice personal and financial growth by holding themselves or the other person back.
Unless you are rich, you must sacrifice something to be together for 30-40 years. You may get roommates to help build wealth or start a business together.
But, if you think you can both work mediocre jobs for 50 years and somehow parlay that into a magical retirement, you have another thing coming.
Having a wonderful life with a partner takes hard work, love, dedication, and planning. If you are not doing these things, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Thriving in a long-distance relationship is possible if you both exhibit “growth mindsets” and see the value of being apart to build yourself and your relationship. Good Luck!
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