Thus far, we have covered many diverse topics throughout the military success series; physical fitness in 101, mental fitness in 102, and educational fitness in 103. Now, I want to talk about something we rarely discuss before joining the military, family fitness.
That’s right; family is one of the most important aspects of having a successful military career. I have seen many service members end their careers because the spouse couldn’t handle military life. So let’s explore three topics: finding the right spouse, marriage in the military, and raising kids in the military.
Finding the right spouse. I am assuming that you are reading this before you have left for boot camp, or you are just thinking about joining the military. When you are a young person in the military, it can be exciting to be free from your parents.
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During our younger days in the military, we love to date other young people. We all have cash flowing in from our military paychecks—life is good. And then the enviable happens, someone gets orders. And this is where the pain starts.
You see, I have seen more people get married because they received orders than I care to count. Receiving orders seem to trigger a response like “let’s continue the adventure at our next duty station.” It sounds good in theory.
However, we need to take a step back and evaluate the situation. Usually, the service member is away from home. The future spouse is usually a local or a student attending a local college. The prospective spouse has a support network already built up in the area before the service member arrives.
When you decide to uproot someone from their support system, you take all the responsibility for that person. Many negatives can happen at your next duty station; they don’t find a job, don’t get into college, don’t make friends, etc. Their issues then become your issues.
I am not saying that these are inherently wrong things; they are just life. However, what is terrible is that we rarely talk about them before we marry and relocate. Without these conversations, our marriage starts on the wrong foot and may never catch up.
My wife, Kristina, is from Ashgabat, Turkmenistan. I removed her from her support network in 2006 to move to America. She has thrived in America, but she also knew what she was getting herself into with before way most of the time—helping her prepare herself for the rigors of military life.
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When contemplating getting married, please have the hard conversations. Military marriages can sometimes be complicated. You need a spouse that can handle the idea of you being away from a least 50% of the time. You may be home more, but if a person can accept that you will be gone half the time, they may be able to adapt to military life.
Marriage in the Military. Divorce in the military is higher than in the general population. I can think of a few reasons: uprooting, long-distance relationships, fidelity, and job satisfaction. Let’s talk about each individually. They can all eventually stack on top of each other.
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1) Uprooting. As we discussed earlier, uprooting your spouse from their native land can be very tough. The service member usually can easily handle being away from family and friends. That is why they were able to join the service.
However, the spouse may not feel the same. When you are initially getting married, they may say that leaving their family won’t be a big deal. But, you will not know until you all move to another location together. Some people love their native environment all their lives and want to stay there, which you need to consider before uprooting someone.
2) Long-distance relationships. Stacking on top of uprooting is long-distance relationships. Now that you have uprooted the spouse, there may be some animosity. Then, you have to go on a six-month deployment. The spouse does one of two things. 1) Tries to make it work in their new duty station 2) Goes back home to the support network.
In my experience, those who decide to tough it out in the new location usually do better in the long run. Sometimes, there are unique situations that lead the spouse to head home; however, they are the exception to the rule.
Many people cannot handle long-distance relationships. To survive when you and your spouse are separated, you will need to have a shared mission that you can focus on together. Whether saving for a house, a future vacation, or paying debt, focusing on something will ensure you are not wasting your time while apart.
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3) Fidelity. You have uprooted the spouse, and now you are deployed. The spouse is lonely and makes new, younger, single friends. They decide to party and hang out to pass the time. Keep in mind; they are usually 21-28 years old.
Going down this road usually leads to trouble. Nothing good happens after midnight, and nothing good happens when going to the club as a married person. Yet it happens all the time. When looking for a spouse, try to find someone who can handle your absence like an adult. Also, if a person goes down this road, try to understand their logic. Again, they are uprooted and away from family; they may just need you to know what they are going through.
But, hold on, service members. 50% of the time, the service member is the one who is doing the cheating. For the service member, traveling can be an exotic lifestyle. Being away from home, in friendly hotels in foreign countries, and lots of liberty can lead to feeling like a single person. You are not. Many people in the military will want to convince you otherwise. You must do the right thing; if not, don’t expect your spouse to go back home. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Be a stand-up individual and spouse.
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4) Job Satisfaction. Somewhere along the lines, Americans started to feel as though they want their jobs to be satisfying. They want to be “happy” at work. I don’t necessarily understand this logic. I know that you don’t want to be in a hostile or toxic environment, but beyond that, work is work.
You, or your spouse, may hate military life. I have seen it both ways. People hate their duty stations, bosses, the military, the hours, the physical fitness, intrusive leadership, travel restrictions, the pay, the rules, the guidelines, standing duty, living on-base, the commute, moving, etc. There are too many things to hate.
However, if you focus on the bad, then everything will be wrong. I tend to focus on the good: the pay is excellent, the hours can assist you when you need to attend family appointments, the medical benefits are second to none, the retirement is the best in America, traveling is excellent, new duty stations bring new experiences, you get paid to work out, you eventually become a leader, etc. I love most aspects of the military.
You and your spouse have to stay optimistic about all aspects of military life. If not, you will go down a negative rabbit hole that will lead you to get out of the military or one person leaving the other. Also, many people tend to blame the military for their marriage failing, then go on to get divorced two more times. Brother (or sister), it wasn’t the military; it was you.
Raising kids in the military. Raising children in the military is a great experience. There are so many resources that the base offers your family, in addition to standard civilian benefits, that it has been an enjoyable experience.
Sure, you will have to leave your children from time to time, but kids understand that you have a mission to fulfill. I’ll be honest, most of my kids’ friends are divorced. Even though I am away, at least I am coming back.
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I have been gone at least 50% of my marriage, but our kids are okay. They understand what I am doing and why I am doing it. They also understand that my wife and I love each other, and I am still here and will always be there for them.
As long as you can keep your marriage on track, raising children in the military is preferable to the civilian world. They will be able to make two sets of friends, on base and off base.
As they get older and start to obtain more friends, it may be harder for them to leave for new duty stations. Leaving a high school can be especially hard. Sometimes parents need to make the ultimate sacrifice and have the service member to the new duty station by themselves. Sometimes it is more feasible for the servicemember to leave for a couple of years to finish up their military career. Situations like when you own a home, your spouse, has a great job; kids are satisfied with the school, you own animals, everyone is comfortable, etc. In a good marriage, you need to do what’s best for the family as a whole.
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Conclusion. There is still much to talk about with military and relationships. I have been married for 15 of my 22 years military career, and I have seen much. I hope to keep revisiting my military service time because this is an inside scoop that can help others before they get started in the military.
The biggest thing to remember when starting a family in the military is that you are uprooting someone from their support network. Moving someone is a huge deal, and you will become their entire support network. Be prepared for this moment, but if you are not, don’t get married.
It may sound harsh, but you have to think like an adult when you uproot someone. They will be away from family, friends, college, jobs, animals, and a familiar city. You will have to support them financially, emotionally, and with their new college, finding friends, and looking for a job.
It is a total package, and you need to be prepared to get that person on their feet. Even better, once they get set up and comfortable, you will receive orders to a new duty station, and it starts all over again.
Being married in the military has been an incredible experience for my wife and me. However, we have acted like adults and made tough decisions along the way. We never had a time where we allowed ourselves to get caught up in the negatives. We stayed positive and stayed married. I highly recommend marriage and family in the military if you can think like an adult. Good Luck!
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Disclosure: I am not a financial advisor or money manager, and any knowledge is given as guidance and not direct actionable investment advice. I am an Amazon Affiliate. Please research any investment vehicles that are being considered. I wrote this article myself, and it expresses my own opinions. I am not receiving compensation for it. I have no business relationship with any company whose stock is mentioned in this article.
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